Sports Opinion & Analysis

See, In A Parallell Universe, My Predictions Were Correct

In NFL on January 15, 2013 at 10:40 am

By Jonathan Danielson

Quantum theory, in a nutshell, hypothesizes that at any possible moment where multiple outcomes can occur, the universe splits into parallel multiverses, where those other possiblities become reality. At least, that’s what three seasons of Through the Wormhole with Morgan Freeman has taught me. 

"Or something like that."

“Or something like that.”

So while I started the year with a Baltimore/San Francisco Super Bowl prediction, somewhere along the line the universe split, and the me in this version changed to a Denver/Seattle prediction, because (due to the match-ups leading to that eventual outcome) it seemed the most attractive option.

Let’s remember though, that in this armchair world of quantum theory, the universe doesn’t just separate into two possible outcomes, but all possible eventualities. In that case, let’s take a moment to credit the me out there who did pick Denver/Seattle correctly, just as there is a version (hopefully here) who picked San Francisco/Baltimore correctly, as well as incorrectly, as well as all other possible outcomes.

Is this making sense? If not, that’s because I have DirecTV and not an advanced (or any) degree in Quantum Physics, although, come to think of it, somewhere out there, there is a high probability there is a me with an advanced (or any) degree in Quantum Physics, and I’m sure that that me, wherever he (or even she) might exist, is explaining this much better. Or worse.

Or whatever.

Either way, this universe’s me now has to reassess my playoff predictions to teams still in the hunt (although at this rate, if you’re a fan of a team still in the playoffs, you should probably hope I don’t predict they will win next Sunday, given what happened last week). With all this said, here’s a look at Sunday’s upcoming games:

San Francisco 49ers @ Atlanta Falcons

The 49ers are heading into Atlanta to play the NFC’s best team of the regular-season for a chance to revisit the Super Bowl for the first time in eighteen years, and their sixth time altogether. The Falcons, on the other hand, have been to the big dance only once (1998), when they lost to a Denver quarterback who won a playoff game, John Elway and the Broncos.

"Hey Peyton, what do me, Elway, and Jake Plummer all have in common?"

“Hey Peyton, what do me, Elway, and Jake Plummer all have in common?”

On their way to being the best team of the regular season, the Falcons did well against mobile quarterbacks, beating the Redskins (Robert Griffin III), Eagles (Michael Vick), Seahawks (Russell Wilson), and while not typically viewed as a running QB, I’m going to include the Cardinals Kevin Kolb, because if anyone watched a Cardinals game this season (and I don’t know why you would), you knew Kolb spent the entire game running for his life. The Falcons also split the series with the Panthers (Cam Newton).

What does this have to do with the 49ers? Well, former backup QB Colin Kaepernick is a mobile quarterback, more in the size and speed of Newton, but with attributes Newton didn’t have, like an offensive line, running back, receiving core, defense, Coach, and at this point, capable hotdog sellers and ticket vendors.

Matty Ice might seem calm, cool, and collective as of late, but expect him to suddenly become a very mobile quarterback when he too is running for his life from Patrick Willis, Justin Smith, and Aldon Smith.

Winner: San Francisco 49ers

Baltimore Ravens @ New England Patriots

This game is a repeat of last year’s AFC Championship, when the Ravens stole defeat from the jaws of victory and let Tom “Golden Boy” Brady into the Super Bowl for an unprecedented fifth time. What will happen this year? Well, everyone in the NFL’s marketing department hopes Brady makes a sixth appearance, so they can officially begin the “Tom Brady Is The Greatest Quarterback of All-Time” marketing campaign. If not, they just have to wait until Brady retires, whether he gets a fourth ring or not.

"Holy crap, I hate that guy."

“Holy crap, I hate that guy.”

Unfortunately for every woman who is forced to watch the Super Bowl with her husband or boyfriend this year, Ray Lewis’s farewell tour is going to have one more stop before it’s over, and it ain’t going to be over in New England, so Tom Brady ain’t going to be on the tube come February. Also, add in Ball-So-Hard University alumni Terrell Suggs playing like he was never hurt, and the big arm of Joe Flacco, the current best quarterback in the league if you ask Joe Flacco, and Baltimore is going to make sure they stamp their ticket to the All-Harbaugh “Suphar Baughl” in New Orleans.

Winner: Baltimore Ravens

Moving On:

Anywho, that’s my reassessed new/old playoff outlook. I’m sure somewhere I’m not writing this article, because I was spot on last week, and for the me’s who did have to write this article somewhere else in their own little multiverse, I’m sure they did a better job. Or worse.

Or whatever.

Is it Sunday yet?

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